Struggling

The last few days have been the hardest. I am struggling to find my footing on this new journey we call “our new normal.” I am back at work today, because I knew I couldn’t stay at home by myself. Both yesterday and today have been extremely emotional. It makes me absolutely sad to think about returning to life without Faith. I feel guilty in a lot of ways, but mostly just sad. The mommy in me feels like I should just sit and grieve. I just feel like we are pushing forward (which I know we have to), but I just don’t want to move on and act like she never existed. As I wrote in an email to a friend this morning, life as I’ve known it for the past nine months is now completely different. It’s just taking some adjusting to.

God has brought us through the last months, and I know He will continue to carry us through the next few as well. Amazingly, (because God’s timing is perfect), our devotions started in the book of Job last night. It was refreshing to read how someone who faced such loss, was able to still praise God and remain faithful to Him. That is our wish for our family. We will continue to cling to Him, and trust that He will get us through. We find ourselves again at a crossroads of “What next?” We have spent the last several months sharing the life of our precious daughter, and we intend to continue to do so. But we will have to wait and see what God has planned for us on in our “new normal.” I know He isn’t done with us, or our family, and I pray that He will continue to use our story to reach out to others, so that they may know the love of our Savior.

Thank you to everyone who has left such wonderful comments, sent sweet emails and cards, and for the phone calls. It has really been uplifting to us:) Please continue to pray for us as we struggle to seek what our new normal will be.

Happy Birthday, Faith!

Because it is so hard to remember every detail of the birth of any child, I want to make sure I document every memory I have of the day Faith was born. It was a hard day, but it was her birthday!

Rob and I had to be at the hospital at 7:00 am. We arrived at Shands approximately 15 minutes late (in typical Vaughn fashion) and Bryan and Christina met us at the door. I had gotten zero sleep the night before, and emotions were extremely high. I remember trying to hold it together as I walked up to greet our friends. There was a dear little lady at the valet station, who was having a hard time comprehending the concept of valet. I have to say that we got a little laugh, which helped calm the nerves....temporarily.

We rode the elevator to the third floor, and had no idea where to go. We went to three different desks, before we found the right place. As I checked in, my heart was racing continuously, as I knew we had a long day ahead of us. Dr. D happened to be sitting there, and welcomed us with his usual calm, soothing self.

They sent us to triage to get prepared for surgery. Now this triage deal was something totally new to us. Before, we had delivered at a different hospital, where you did everything in the privacy of your own room. I was not at all excited about this new concept. They gave me a gown, and sent me to the last bed against the wall. Dr. D had promised me a private room, so I asked the nurse about it just to double check, and she was quick to inform me that they were completely full. So the probability was not looking good. I was devastated. Nothing about this day had gone as I had imagined. Then she told me I would have to recover there for 2 hours as well after the surgery. I explained to the nurse our situation, and that I didn't want to spend the few minutes we may have with our daughter in the company of 12 other laboring women. She told me that unless it was absolutely crucial, or my doctor pulled a lot of strings, it probably wouldn't be possible for us to have an intimate moment with our Faith.

By then, I had gotten settled in my bed, and it was hot as blue blazes in there. If you know me at all, you know that I have extreme needle anxiety. I passed out when I got my iv with SaraGrace. They hadn't even talked about the iv, and I felt as though I was going to pass out. I was so worried about the room situation, but TERRIFIED about the spinal. I had worried about that thing for 9 months. For me, it has been the worst experience of both births of my children. They laid me down, uncovered me, and got tons of ice packs to help calm me down. Rob was such a saint. He just sat there, stroking my hair with such care and concern. He explained to the nurses my anxieties with needles, and all that had happened leading up to that day. They attempted to attach the monitor to my tummy, but little Faith was being hard headed. They couldn't find her heart beat. After about 20 minutes, they found it and instructed me to be still. Another nurse came in to give me the iv. Again, Rob explained to her my anxiety, and she was so sweet and calm. She stuck me once, and truthfully, it hurt, but it wasn't unbearable. But....it didn't work. They had to do it again, but this time proved successful. I made it! I didn't pass out!!

Since the iv was so successful, I then focused my worry on the spinal. My sister works for the Department of Anesthesiology, and she knew the doctors who would be administering my spinal. She had already explained what had happened before, so they came in together to talk to me and see if they could find out why it was so bad. Dr. E was so great! She was very compassionate. She brought me some numbing cream for my back 2 hours before surgery, so she was hopeful that it would help. In the mean time, Dr. A (the resident) assured me he would do everything he could to make it as painless as possible. Dr. E ordered some meds for my nerves, and they both came back multiple times to check on me.

My surgery got postponed by an hour. The nerves continued to build. But as nearly 60 people gathered in the waiting room, to pray and support our family, they each filed in to come pray with us in the triage room. The staff were so accommodating, and allowed everyone the opportunity to come back. Cade and SG made their way back there about every 20 minutes. One thing about it, everyone around us got to experience church with all of the prayers that were said that day.

Dr. D came back there, and I shared with them the situation with the private room. He told me if he had to take me to his house, I would have a private room. He would make sure of it! Dr. B was also with him. This was the first time we had been able to meet face to face. He had spoken with Life South about organ donation, and they didn't feel that Faith was a candidate. He also wanted to make sure he knew our wishes, and that we were all on the same page once she was born. He was so kind to ask if we had something for her to wear. Aunt Kiss went and got her gown, and he made sure it was there when the time would come.

When the time came to take us back, Rob and my sister were both able to go back with me immediately. It was time for the spinal, and I remember saying a quick prayer that God would allow it to be fairly painless so I could focus on what He had in store for us. As the time came to give me the spinal, it was nearly painless. I couldn't believe it. Dr. E and Dr. A were so wonderful, and it was not even an issue. And...I didn't pass out!!! With that out of the way, they laid me back and got ready to begin. But...I passed out! My heart rate dropped and they had to suction me out. I just remember waking up and telling Rob, "I think I just passed out!" He told me what had happened, and about that time, they pulled my precious angel out. It was 11:13 am.

They took her immediately over to the little bassinet, where both Dr. K and Dr. B evaluated her. Rob was right by their side. As they evaluated Faith, they realized that there was nothing they could do for her. They couldn't even stabilize her. As Dr. B came over to give me the news, tears filled my eyes, but I have to say that God covered me with a peace. A peace that I knew could come only from Him. We had prayed that His will would be clear, and that if a decision had to be made it would be black and white. He answered that prayer.

Rob helped wrap her up, and he brought her over to me. He was such a rock! I will never forget the first time I saw her face. She never opened her eyes, but she was so peaceful. I just stroked her curly brown hair, and kissed her over and over again. I told her that I loved her and that I was so proud of her. They kept checking her heart rate, and though it was slowing down, she was hanging on. They weighed her and reported a whopping 5 pounds 5.4 ounces. She was so tiny!

Dr. E, the anesthesiologist, asked us if we had brought a camera. We had not because they had initially told us that it was not allowed. She offered hers to us and took several pictures of the three of us. We have never been able to get pictures of any of our children in the operating room, so this was a real gift. She then offered for Aunt Kiss to go get Christina's camera, so she did and took several more precious pictures. Dr. E had some how managed to print the pictures she took, and my parents had them before I was out of the operating room. They got to see her alive through those pictures.

As they continued to check her heart rate, they told us at 11:55 am she was no longer with us. I just held her a little longer. It was so hard to let her go, but I knew what a blessing it was for her to be in the arms of Jesus. We had prayed that God would allow us time with her. He answered that prayer. We had prayed that she would go peacefully, if He was to take her home. He answered that prayer. We had prayed for healing. He answered that prayer. She was now healed in heaven with a perfect little body.

The doctors had asked if we would be okay with them doing a form of an autopsy, which required no incisions; just a thorough evaluation. We agreed, and Rob stayed right there with her. As my surgery was complete, Dr. D made sure we were able to go to a private room, where my children and family and friends would meet their angel they had prayed so diligently for.

Aunt Kiss went outside to tell everyone about Faith. She met my parents in the hallway, and knew she couldn't face the crowd of people to tell them all that had happened. My dad went in to the waiting room, where he shared that Faith was gone. Not long after that, Dr. D came in and shared with everyone all that had happened in the operating room. My dad said he has never met a more humble doctor than Dr. D. He said that Dr. D had shared what a privilege it was to be our doctor.

Once the doctors had completed their evaluation, Rob and our nurse cleaned her up, and dressed her in her little gown. He brought her to our room, and she was BEAUTIFUL! She looked so peaceful, yet like such a little girl. Of course we had the hair bow waiting on her, and she looked so cute! Chontelle was in our room waiting for us to take our pictures. Cade and SG came in and they were such troopers. They both wanted to hold her, and they just looked at her in awe. They checked out her hair, her little hand, and SG admired her bow. They argued about who she looked like. Chontelle was able to take quite a few pictures, and I'm so glad we were able to do that.

Once she was done, and our family had some time, our parents came in and got the first glimpse of their little angel. They all bragged about how much she looked like SaraGrace, but with brown hair. No one could believe that she was really gone. Rob did such an amazing job recounting her birth details to them, so that they could experience just a part of her little life. I'm telling you, he was so amazing! God really gave him the strength to carry our family through the day.

Once everyone had a chance to see her, we called the funeral home. We knew it would take some time, so we just sat and took in every detail about her. Cade was able to hold her a couple of times, and he was so proud to be her big brother. He asked some questions, but he was strong, just like his daddy.

Our Father knew we needed a laugh, so He sent in the grief counselor. There was nothing funny about her or what she was sharing, but as she left, she was trying to figure out who was who. Rob, the kids, the Volpes, Kicken, and Aunt Amy were all in the room. As the counselor left, she looked at Amy and said, "And you must be the Grandma!" Amy was none to happy about that, and was quick to inform her she was NOT the grandma. We laughed together about that all night, and the next day.

The funeral home came to get Faith a little after 6:00. Rob and Cade took Faith to meet him downstairs. It was hard for both of them to let her go, but they knew they had to. Once they came back, we were taken to our room. We got to go to the new hospital, and had a suite of a room! It was very quiet, and it was like being in the Marriott! I was starving, as I hadn't eaten since 10:00 am that morning. Rob and Bryan went and got us some Texas Roadhouse. I devoured a steak and a double order of cheese fries in no time flat.

We were all so exhausted, but I wanted to make sure that I could recount every detail of that day. We talked it over and over again, and it was so hard to believe that day had finally come to an end. Though it was an extremely difficult, sad day, it was a good day. We knew that Faith had fulfilled her purpose that God had set for her life. We knew that we had done all we could as her parents to give her a chance at life. We knew that we had finished this leg of the race, and that Jesus was right beside us, making sure every detail was accounted for.

May 19th, 2011 is a day that will be remembered by many as the day Baby Faith came into this world, leaving a footprint on the hearts of everyone who knew her.

A Letter to Faith

Faith's memorial service was yesterday. It was perfect in every way. I wanted to share the letter that we wrote for Faith. Our dear friend, Bryan, read it for us. I will blog later in the week her birth story, and about the memorial service.

Our Dearest Faith,

There are no words to tell you how proud we are of you. You have changed our lives forever. The last nine months have been spent preparing for your arrival, but nothing could have prepared us for the impact you would have on the world.

We will never forget the moment we were told that you were not perfect in the eyes of the world. As your parents, we ached for what you may not experience here on this earth. The next six months brought many emotions, as doctors struggled to tell us what to expect. Every doctor’s appointment, ultrasound, even MRI brought something new for them to help us understand. But the Great Physician was working in a mighty way to show them that none of us knew what He was up to. Everyone got to witness miracles first hand, as Jesus continued to knit you together, day by day. We were told not to expect to ever carry you full term. But as you grew each day, we were reminded with every kick, punch and somersault that you were fulfilling God’s purpose for your life.

It has been such a blessing to see Cade and SaraGrace pray for you every day. They both hugged and kissed you through your Mommy’s tummy all of the time. They love you so much, and you have made them so proud. When they finally got to see your beautiful face, they knew they had seen an angel.

The day you were born, so many people came to pray for you and to see the miracle of life that God had given us. As we waited for you to be born, many emotions overcame us, but the one that we felt the most was love. Love of the Savior, love of our family and friends, and most of all, love of our daughter that fought so hard to share the love of Jesus with so many people. We were scared of what may come at the end of that day, but we knew the Lord had all of us, even you, in the palm of His hands.

As the doctors handed you to your daddy and told us that you would not spend much time here with us, our Heavenly Father covered us with a peace that only He can provide. We knew that you would never know the hurt of the world. You would never have to feel the sadness we would feel when we would have to let you go. When your Mommy finally got to hold you, we just sat there together and loved, kissed, and hugged you endlessly. You were so beautiful and peaceful. You were so strong. The 42 minutes you spent in our arms were the most precious 42 minutes of our lives. We got to see how God’s plans would unfold for you, and knew without a shadow of a doubt you would be in a place far better than we could offer you.

Though we are sad, and we feel an emptiness without you here with us, we rejoice to know that God is Good all of the time. We prayed that His will would be done. We prayed that if it was His will that you go to heaven, that He would allow you to be peaceful, and that He would give us some time, no matter how short, to spend with you. He answered our prayers. He gave us the greatest gift in knowing that our Faith has been renewed. You are now in heaven, with no pain, no suffering and your body has been renewed. But our faith in God has also been renewed. Though this journey has not been easy, He has never left us alone. He has held true to His promises, and carried us through the storm. We now stand stronger with Him knowing that He loves us so much, and that He chose us to be your Mommy and Daddy. We are forever changed by the blessing of knowing you as our daughter.

Our time on earth may seem like an eternity, but in reality it’s only a snapshot. This life is not our home. We can rest assured that because of the gift that God gave as his son on the cross, we will see you again, and spend forever holding you in our arms. But we can promise that this is not the end of your story. God will continue to use us to share how you have changed us all, and we could not be more proud to do so.

With all our love,

Mommy and Daddy

Empty, but Blessed

We have had so many emotions to process the past few days. Leaving the hospital Saturday morning, was one of the hardest moments we’ve experienced so far. It felt as though we were leaving all we had with Faith behind. I know that is far from the truth. But God was faithful to provide a sign that He was still with us, though she was not. As we got into the car, we turned on the radio, and the song “Blessings” came on. God’s timing is perfect!

I have to say that blessings have come from unexpected people and places the past few days. We have received so many emails, comments and phone calls, full of encouragement and prayers. It has really been a blessing to read how our our daughter has touched so many lives.

One of the greatest blessings has been my husband. He has been my ROCK. He really bore the brunt of all that happened on Thursday. He had the world on his shoulders. He was so great in the operating room, tending to me and Faith. He has been so wonderful to take such great care of me. I love him so much, and I am so thankful for the love he has shown me.

Faith’s obituary was in the paper yesterday and today. That was a surreal moment, to read about the life and death of our precious daughter. Here is what is says:

Faith Mackenzie Vaughn was born May 19, 2011 and passed from her Mother’s arms into the arms of Jesus just 42 minutes later. Though her life on earth was short, the impact she made will last a lifetime. Her story has been followed many people at www.sarabethandrob.blogspot.com. She is survived by her parents, Rob and SaraBeth Vaughn, her big brother Cade and big sister, SaraGrace, her maternal grandparents (Dexter and Sarajo O’Steen), her paternal grandmother (Sandy Mackney), her paternal grandfather (Andy Mackney), many aunts, uncles, great grandparents and friends.

A memorial service for Faith will take place Tuesday, May 24th at North Central Baptist Church. Visitation will be at 9:00 am and the service will take place at 10:00 am. Graveside service will follow at Newnansville Cemetary in Alachua. Donations can be made in Faith’s name to the Women’s Resource Center of Gainesville or the North Central Baptist Church Mission Fund.

Though our arms are empty, and our hearts our broken, we have been filled with love. Love of our Savior, love of family and friends, and a love for our daughter who has forever changed our lives.

Our Faith Renewed

Faith Mackenzie Vaughn was born Thursday, May 19th at 11:13am. She was 5 pounds, 5.4 oz, with brown hair. She looked just like her brother and sister. Her Daddy was the first to hold her, then he shared her with her Momma, where she was loved, cuddled and kissed endlessly. She passed away at 11:55 am in the arms of her Momma. Though her life here on earth was only 42 minutes long, the impact she has made will last a lifetime. I couldn't be more proud to be Faith's Mommy. Though we are sad, we do know that she is in the arms of Jesus. She has been made whole and perfect, and our Faith has been renewed.

Please continue to pray for our family, especially Cade. He has had a hard time. He did get to hold his baby sister, and he was so proud of her.

Faith's Memorial Service will be held Tuesday, May 24th at North Central Baptist Church. Visitation will be at 9:00 am, with the service at 10:00 am. Graveside will follow at Newnansville Cemetary in Alachua. Everyone is invited to the O'Steen home for a time of food and fellowship afterwards.

Thank you to everyone for the prayers, the comments and emails. They have been so encouraging. We are so blessed by all of you who have walked this journey with us.

Everlasting Faith

Baby Faith is now resting in the arms of our Lord and Savior. Please continue lifting SaraBeth, Rob, Cade and SaraGrace and their families in prayer as they continue on this journey!

Love,

Christina and Amy

While We Wait ...

SaraBeth will be going back very soon for her c-section. Please continue to pray and trust HIM!!

Love,

Christina and Amy

The Last 48 Hours

We are now into the last 48 hours of my pregnancy. There are days that it seems like I have been pregnant forever, yet on the other hand, it’s hard to believe that in less than two days we are going to look into those sweet (probably blue if I had to bet) eyes for the first time. I am filled with so many emotions, yet I have a peace knowing that God has already orchestrated all of the details of Thursday.

I would like to thank everyone for the wonderful, encouraging comments, emails, cards and phone calls. If I haven’t responded yet, I promise I will. I just want you to know that it hasn’t gone unnoticed, and how much we appreciate the outpouring of love and support you have given our family. Thank you for walking this road with us and for uplifting us in prayer.

If you are newer to my blog, I would like to welcome you and thank you for coming along this journey with us. I hope that our family and the life of our daughter will be a light that shines the love of our Heavenly Father, as He has so graciously given us this opportunity to see Him at work.

There are many things I want to remember, so this will probably be a hodge podge of a post, but I want to make sure I don’t forget these details.

• Two weeks ago, Friday, Cade didn’t get his medicine. It was one of those mornings, and I felt so bad, because I didn’t want to set him up to have a bad day. But I just prayed for him, and his teachers. When I got to school, his teacher wanted to talk to me. I just knew he had a rough day. But she shared with me that he got the undivided attention of his class, and shared with them all about his baby sister. He asked them to pray for her, so they had a prayer time. I was so thankful to her for sharing that with me. When we got in the car, I asked him about it. He told me that he told his class that “Faith will probably die, so we need to pray for her. But I told them we needed to pray for you too, because you were having a rough time.” He then told me, “Mommy, I pray for her everyday.” And he does. I am so amazed to see how God is working in his little life. We do not know the impact this experience will have on him, but I know that God is doing a mighty work.

• My new doctor has been amazing! Dr. D is a blessing from above. I was extremely anxious about switching doctors and hospitals, but God is so faithful to provide what you need when you need it. Dr. D is so compassionate, kind, and very caring. He has made the change most pleasant. I am the biggest baby when it comes to pain, and he has been so accommodating. He has been very supportive of our decisions as a family, and has also been very instrumental in communicating with all of the doctors that will be on board Thursday. I am so thankful for all he has done for us!

• We went to see Soul Surfer Friday night. I had been looking forward to seeing it, and the kids were all too excited to see a shark bite somebody’s arm off. But I have to tell you, God’s timing is impeccable. As the movie started, Bethany is sitting in youth group, and they are talking about perspective. How when you are so close to a situation, it’s hard to see what is really in front of you. Her youth leader (Carrie Underwood) shared a verse with them, while telling them that when they can’t get perspective, or understand a situation, that they can trust God’s plans. The verse she shared was Jeremiah 29:11 – For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Rob just looked at me and said, “WOW!” As we watched this young teenager overcome such a trial in her life, it reminded me that the Lord always has us in the palm of His hand. We just have to let go, and let Him do His thing.

• I always look forward to Sunday mornings, as I love going to our church. But what I have come to love about our Sunday mornings, is feeling Faith jump around inside my belly, as we sing praise and worship songs. It’s such a reminder that we have so much to be thankful for. I think about the freedom we’ve been given, by the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross. That if He hadn’t suffered through that trial, eternity in heaven would not be a possibility. Romans 8:28 -“ And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.”

As Thursday draws closer, I feel like I am growing more and more weary. Yesterday was tough. It was my last doctor’s appointment. As I was driving to get the kids, I was listening to my Selah cd, and the song “Oh Draw Me Lord” came on. I just cried out to Jesus asking Him to draw us closer to Him during the next few days. I begged for Him to give us the strength and the courage for what lies before us. I asked Him to take the nerves from me, so that we will not lose focus on what He is going to do. And can I tell you, I had an immediate peace just come over me. He just whispered in my ear, “I’m right here. I haven’t gone anywhere.” I know the next days, even weeks will not be easy, but I do know that God will carry us through them. We have NO idea what will happen on Thursday, but He has promised that He does.

Someone (either Christina or Amy) will be updating our blog on Thursday. Please continue to pray for Faith, for our family, our children and the doctors and nurses that will be on board with us. God is going to do a mighty thing on Thursday, and as Cade reminded us, He will show His power. I am excited to see what He has in store. Thank you again for all of your love and prayers.

Sneak Peek

Rob and I had the privilege to have some maternity pictures taken a couple of weeks ago. These were gifted to us by Cotton Blossoms Studio, through Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. I will never have the words to say how grateful I am to Chontelle for this gift she has given our family. She did a marvelous job, and I can’t wait to see the rest. Here are the 4 she sent us this weekend.

I wouldn’t normally be so bold as to show my bare tummy to the world on the internet. Believe me, I am extremely insecure when it comes to my body. However, I have learned over the past 6 months to embrace my body and my baby, no matter what it looks like. These are so precious to me and my family!

If you are looking for a local photographer in our area, Chontelle is AMAZING! And she is so giving to participate in such a wonderful organization such as NILMDTS.

Birthdays and Bible Verses

This last weekend, we went to Jackson’s Pirate Party, complete with lots of water activities. The kids had a blast!

Julie sent me these pictures, and I’m so glad she did. I am determined to save enough money to buy my own camera, but it just can’t come fast enough!

Sibling love….a rare picture.

Cade wanted to jump on the trampoline, and play in the fort instead of swimming.

But not this little redhead. She was all about the water.

I love this picture of Cade.

SaraGrace and her “wallowmelon.”

Speaking of “wallowmelon”, SG is going to be in the Watermelon Festival pageant this Saturday. I have to say I wasn’t thrilled about the timing of this princess contest, but once she found out that Brinley was doing it, she couldn’t be left out. But I will admit, she has been practicing on her own and doing her own thing, and it’s mighty cute. It may not be too reflective of a seasoned pageant queen, but then it wouldn’t be her if it was:)

On another note, Rob gets a daily Bible verse in his email, and sometimes he forwards them to me. I have to preface this by saying that we now have exactly one week until Faith is born. It has been a hard few days, and last night while I was praying, I asked God to help me cling tighter to Him, and to not let the fear overtake the peace that has been so amazing the last six months. I have had some anxiety, and I don’t want that to overshadow what God has in store. As I prayed, I just asked Him to help me see that He is still in control. So this morning, my hubby sends me this verse that he received in his email….

As you do not know the path of the wind,
or how the body is formed in a mother's womb,
so you cannot understand the work of God,
the Maker of all things. Ecclesiates 11:5

These words just encouraged me to know that there is no way we can understand all that God is working on. Of course we have questions, and we want to understand why things happen the way they do, but this verse tells us that it not for us to understand, but to trust in Him that He knows what He is doing.

Dear Jesus,

Help us to cling to you and your word as we find our way the next few days. Thank you for your promises, and for your mercy and grace, though we don’t deserve one minute of it. Help us to look to you for guidance, and not be swayed by the ways of the world. As your word tells us that we cannot understand the work of God, help us to trust completely in you, regardless if we understand or not.

Amen.

Dr. Appointment

I had a doctor’s appointment this morning, and it was certainly a good one. To start things off, I have lost 1/2 pound. I can certainly live with that!!!

They did an ultrasound to check on Faith, and see what she is up to. She has gotten soooooo BIG! We watched as she opened and closed her little mouth, and it was just so sweet. They were also able to watch her do some practice breathing, which is something they didn’t know she would be able to do.

Dr. D showed us all of the little pieces of vernix floating around, and told us that was a good indication that her lungs were fully developed. Now I don’t think they can tell anything about the compressed lung on an ultrasound, so that is something we will have to wait and see about.

She is measuring right on target, and is scheduled to make her debut next Thursday. NEXT THURSDAY! I can’t believe it will only be 10 days until we meet her. I have to say that I have so many mixed emotions ranging from excitement, to anxiety, to sadness. The only thing we know about that day, is that God is in total complete control. Which is a good thing, because only He knows what tomorrow holds.

Today was the last ultrasound we will have, which means it is the last time we will see her before the 19th. It’s a little bittersweet, as we have enjoyed getting to see her totally oblivious to all that is wrong, and all she may face. She just seems so happy, and moves around so much. I think she really enjoys being the center of attention! I’m not really sure where she gets that from:)

As the day gets closer, the days get harder. I am finding that I don’t have it as together as I think. But, I am learning to accept that it is ok to have those days. But I just keep clinging to the verse:

Jeremiah 29:11

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

This verse offers so much hope. Hope in the fact that His plans are to prosper us, not harm us. Plans to give us hope and a future. Though we are not guaranteed that those plans include a hope and a future here on earth, we know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we have a hope and a future in eternity because of the sacrifice Jesus made on the cross that day. I am so thankful to serve a God that promises that today is only a snapshot of the bigger plan He has for us. Though it seems like forever, this earth is only temporary. We know that if God sees fit to take Faith to Heaven, we will one day see her again, and never have to let her go. There is no greater hope than that!

Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day has always been a special day to honor our mothers and grandmothers. We have always made a big deal of it in our family. The big Sunday lunch, the cards, the gifts, but most importantly, the time we would spend together.

I couldn’t wait to become a mother, and get to stand up in church when they ask all of the mothers to stand. I remember my very first one. I was about 8 weeks from having Cade, and couldn’t imagine how precious being a mother was really going to be.

I would have to say that the gift of motherhood is one of the greatest gifts the Lord has blessed me with. I never imagined I could love someone so deeply as I love my children. I remember when I was pregnant with SaraGrace, I was so worried that my heart just couldn’t love anyone like it loved Cade. But you know, my heart made room for her, just like it did Cade.

As I think about Mother’s Day this year, it means so much more. It’s not about celebrating me, but about celebrating the gifts that God has given me in my children. This may be the only Mother’s Day that I am a mother to 3 children here on earth, but it’s the most precious, as I look at how my perception of motherhood has changed over the last year. It was something I took for granted. I cherish the tender moments I spend with each of my children, even the craziest of days, when I feel like I am at my limit. I have learned to stop and take the time to thank the Lord for the gift of getting to experience those days.

We have gotten to witness our children praying diligently for their sister on a daily basis. We have witnessed Cade giving us profound messages that he has learned through our situation the last few months. All of these are lessons that we, as parents, could not have taught them ourselves. As a mother, it is so sweet and tender to see them grasping what God is doing in their lives, and our lives as a family. Nothing will ever replace these memories that we are making together.

So much of our days have been focused on the possibility that we may not get to experience things with Faith that we have our other children. But the Lord has made it ever so clear that we are not guaranteed tomorrow with the children we have here on earth either. When you stop and think about that, it makes you see a bigger picture.

I have been blessed with the most wonderful mother and grandmothers that a girl could ever ask for. I have also been blessed by the most wonderful children. So this Mother’s Day, instead of focusing on what might not be, I am going to focus on all that has been given to us, including the most precious 9 months we have had with Faith.

Hug your mothers, your grandmothers, and your children extra tight this Mother’s Day, and take the time to say a prayer of thanks to our Heavenly Father for all of His wonderful blessings.

A Day In The Life…

My work day is not usually very exciting.  And I have to say that I do get bored pretty regularly.  However, today was totally different.

We have been working on a mine reclamation, and the site is pretty extensive (like several hundred acres).  I found out this morning early, that I may have to go walk it with the governing body for the final inspection.  What?!?!?!  Hello!  I am huge pregnant, can’t walk long distances and my feet are way too fat to fit into anything other than flip flops.  But, I came prepared. 

I had my umbrella, I brought a pair of shorts (it has been stifling HOT lately!), and even found a spare pair of tennis shoes in the back of my car (all the more reason to never clean it out:))  My dad was a little worried and told me not to get too hot.  I told him I brought some shorts, and then the comment was made by another employee that shorts didn’t seem very professional.  My comeback?

“And you think it’s professional to have a 9 month pregnant woman tromping several hundred acres of land?”  That got a few laughs. 

Just so you know, the several people in attendance were spared from the sight of my ghostly, chunky pregnant legs, because the Lord saw fit to give us some cooler weather.  I know they will sleep a lot better tonight.

So here was my office today…

 

This was one of the 4 ponds on the property.  Luckily, our superintendent was able to drive us around instead of walking all of that way.  And the weather was MARVELOUS!  It was cool and breezy, much nicer than any office.

We had to walk around and figure out why our grass isn’t growing. 

Do you think all of that rocky soil has something to do with it?  Or maybe the fact it is dry as a bone outside?

Needless to say, today was a fun day away from the office, getting to go onsite and enjoy beautiful scenery and the gorgeous weather.

It was good for the soul! 

On another note, I forgot to take pictures again, but today was mismatch day at school.  I think we should have that every day, because it was so easy to dress my children today.  Now if they would just combine crazy hair and mismatch day, now that would be a charm!

This Week…

This week is full of all kinds of going-ons.  We started on Sunday, with some of my dear friends hosting a celebration honoring Baby Faith.  I cannot wait to share it with you.  I just have to get copies of the pictures.  It was a very sweet afternoon, that was such a blessing.

Yesterday was Western Wear day at the kids school.  I didn’t think to take pictures until after I picked them up, and Cade had already undressed the cowboy.  Here is SG’s getup…

Today was Crazy Hair day, and SG didn’t want any crazy hair.  Funny thing is, Cade told her it was already crazy, she didn’t have to do anything to it.  He went with a double mohawk, but because I am mother of the year, I didn’t think to take pictures.   Maybe I can get one this afternoon.

Yesterday, when we got home, SG wanted to paint my nails.  Here is a photo of her lovely work…

Thursday, we go as a family to have maternity pictures taken.  I am so excited about this.  Cotton Blossoms  is the local photographer that participates with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.  She does amazing work, and I will be forever indebted to her for giving us this amazing gift!  She will also be on hand the day Faith is born to take pictures as well.  Now I just need to come up with some wardrobe:)

We will be meeting with our pastor this week to finalize details of the memorial service for Faith, in the event we need one.  Of course we are still hoping that is “Plan B”, but I would like to have it ready in case.  Please pray for us that we will have clear direction from God as to what He would have us do.

I don’t go to the doctor again until next Monday.  So no news on the baby front as of now. 

Update on the bluebirds:  When we got home yesterday, something, or someone (mail lady?) had knocked our nest out of our box.  All of the eggs were cracked open on the ground.  Cade and SG were on a mission to find out who could do such a thing.

I’m so sorry I have been blog slacking lately.  I am feeling like I am starting to get the junk everyone else has had, so I am praying I can stay well. 

Hope you all have a happy Tuesday!