Yesterday was Father’s Day, and we had a lot to celebrate. I have a wonderful dad, and I am married to a man who is an amazing father to our children. But it was also the day that my baby girl would have been one month old. It would have probably been her first day at church. As I sat through church, and a baby dedication, I couldn’t help but wonder how different that day could have been. I thought about what she would have worn, and how beautiful she would have looked in a little smocked dress with a big ole’ bow. All of the “shoulda-woulda-coulda’s” swarmed in my mind all day.
I think the numbness of losing our daughter has worn off. I am finally grieving the loss of Faith, and it hurts terribly. This past week has been, at times, harder than the 9 months leading up to Faith’s birthday. It’s as if 10 months of emotions have come crashing down in a matter of a few days. I know this is normal, but it’s overwhelming.
We went to the cemetery yesterday. I really felt bad for Rob, as it seems a little unfair to celebrate being a Father at the site where your child is buried. But we both really wanted to go. I wanted to check on her flowers and her pinwheel that Cade wanted to put there, and see the new solar daisies her Aunt Amy had left.
These days are hard. I can’t lie about it. There are days that I cry uncontrollably, that I’m extremely irritable. I get so frustrated at not being able to see the big picture, but then this comes to mind…
Philippians 1:6, “being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.”
God will be faithful to complete the work He has started in me, in my family, and through Faith’s life.
And though there will be days that I cry over losing her, I know that God hears my heart, He sees my tears. He keeps track of me and what I am doing, because He never leaves me. He is always there.
Psalms 56:8 “You number my wanderings;
Put my tears into Your bottle; Are they not in Your book?”
Hebrews 13:5“I will never leave you nor forsake you.”
While I may always have a piece of my heart in Heaven, joy WILL come in the morning.
Psalms 30:5 “Weeping may endure for a night,
But joy comes in the morning.”
3 comments:
SaraBeth,
It was wonderful to see you, Rob, Cade and SaraGrace at church yesterday.
You are a strong, amazing woman with a strong and amazing husband and family. I know times are hard but with God by your side you have nothing to fear, He will take care of you.
You're in my prayers, I sent you my number if you ever want to call or if Cade wants to call Trinity. She is going to talk to him today about what we discussed in church so he should feel a little better.
On my way to the cemetery Saturday I stopped by Lowe’s for something and decided to walk through the garden shop to get some ideas of what we can plant at the cemetery. As I was checking out I saw the solar daisies and knew my sweet Faith needed some!! As I told you on Saturday I thought the solar daisies were significant because Faith will never know darkness AND because her light continues to shine to so many people!! I sat at Faith’s grave and told her all about the people that love and miss her so much; I told her all about her daddy and mommy that love her so much and how proud they are of her, I told her about her brother Cade wishing she was here to go fishing, I told her about her sister SaraGrace who misses and loves her AND that she could have been SaraGrace’s twin except with brown hair and I told her how VERY proud I am to be her Aunt Amy!! I promised her we will make her garden beautiful once it cools down a bit!!!! Although you are on a “different leg of this journey” I know that God will continue guiding you!! Love YOU!!!!
You continue to amaze me with your focus and strength. Thinking about you and your beautiful family every day.
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