Yesterday was a tough day. I have had a really good two weeks, and have been overwhelmed with peace and strength, but yesterday was a breakdown.
We had an ultrasound appointment. I wanted so badly to include our baby on our Christmas cards this year, so they scheduled another ultrasound. Amy, our ultrasound tech, is AMAZING! She has photographed our baby from the very beginning, at just 6 weeks. She has been so kind and loving, and I am just so thankful for her.
Of course, I had my BFF Amy with me, and my mom came this time too. It was the first time she has gotten to see the baby in action.
When Amy got started, I could tell that our sweet baby had grown, which also means that you could see all that is going on. That was harder than I expected. The heart is still beating strongly. We watched the baby put its hand to its face. It really was AMAZING!
I asked Amy to confirm that it really was a Mack. Guess what! It's a GIRL! So Mack is now Faith Mackenzie Vaughn. Rob picked out the name Faith, because that is the only thing that keeps us going.
I cherish each time we get to see our baby, but I won’t lie. It gets harder and harder. As a Momma, it’s hard to see your child have all of these problems that no one can fix. I just want to take her out, hold her, tell her how much I love her, and that it’s all going to be ok. I want to tell her that Jesus is going to take such good care of her.
I find myself in a place between having faith in God that He can heal our baby girl, and also having faith in God that even if it is not His plan that our child be healed, He is the same as He was before this child came to be. I know that He is the Great Physician, and that He could heal her in an instant. But I also know that His plan may be different than my plan for our child. And if it is, it doesn’t mean He loves us or our daughter any less. In fact, He has confidence in us that we can tell His story.
Some days can be so crippling. But I don’t want to be crippled. I have never in my life wanted so badly to tell people about Jesus than I do now. I also want to tell people all about our daughter; how she has changed our lives; how He has changed our lives. I pray everyday that Jesus will use me to bring glory to Him, and that He will give me what I need to point people to Him.