The past couple of months, I have found myself in the midst of an internal struggle. My faith has been super weak; I feel like I am an eternity away from Jesus. My prayer life has been next to nothing. When I try to pray, I feel as if there is something between my Father and me. I feel like I have done nothing He has asked of me, because I just don’t have it in me.
I have tried extremely hard to pray and ask the Lord to reveal the problem. I don’t like feeling this way. I think I finally have my answer.
I really started feeling distant around the same time that we found out we were pregnant. I have so much to be thankful for, and so much to be praying about, but I have just succumbed to FEAR. I am scared that I will get attached to this baby, only to have my heart ripped out again. I KNOW that God is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us (Eph. 3:20). But the possibility of hurting again is so real, and Satan has used it to overcome all that God wants to do with me at this time in my life.
And then there is the book. I only have 4 chapters left to finish, yet I haven’t even WANTED to work on them. I haven’t picked it up in months. I couldn’t figure out why I was at a loss for words for so long, until this fear was revealed to me. One of those chapters is Rob’s side of the story. Another one is how our children have dealt with the loss of their sister. As I prayed about it, and spoke to a friend about it, I realized that both of those are extremely delicate subjects to write.
It is no secret that our marriage nearly failed after we lost Faith. We are in a really good place right now. I am scared to death to rip that scab off and relive those moments. And our children- they are finally at a place they can talk about their sister and smile. One of the hardest things about losing Faith, was seeing my children hurt so badly. There was nothing I could say or do to make it better. I felt so helpless.
This morning, as I was scrolling through Facebook, one of my friends posted this verse-
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Tim 1:7
All of this fear is not of God, but of Satan. I am ashamed to admit that I have fallen victim to his lies, and have allowed him to hinder my relationship with Jesus. But he will win no longer. From this day forward, I am choosing to trust the same God that brought us through the toughest time in our lives. I am trusting the same God that He has everything in His hands.
Who are you listening to? Is it the loving voice of the Heavenly Father, or the lies of the devil?
Be encouraged, my friends. He loves us. Oh how He loves us!