Yesterday was Father’s Day, and we had a lot to celebrate. I have a wonderful dad, and I am married to a man who is an amazing father to our children. But it was also the day that my baby girl would have been one month old. It would have probably been her first day at church. As I sat through church, and a baby dedication, I couldn’t help but wonder how different that day could have been. I thought about what she would have worn, and how beautiful she would have looked in a little smocked dress with a big ole’ bow. All of the “shoulda-woulda-coulda’s” swarmed in my mind all day.
I think the numbness of losing our daughter has worn off. I am finally grieving the loss of Faith, and it hurts terribly. This past week has been, at times, harder than the 9 months leading up to Faith’s birthday. It’s as if 10 months of emotions have come crashing down in a matter of a few days. I know this is normal, but it’s overwhelming.
We went to the cemetery yesterday. I really felt bad for Rob, as it seems a little unfair to celebrate being a Father at the site where your child is buried. But we both really wanted to go. I wanted to check on her flowers and her pinwheel that Cade wanted to put there, and see the new solar daisies her Aunt Amy had left.
These days are hard. I can’t lie about it. There are days that I cry uncontrollably, that I’m extremely irritable. I get so frustrated at not being able to see the big picture, but then this comes to mind…
Philippians 1:6, “being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.”
God will be faithful to complete the work He has started in me, in my family, and through Faith’s life.
And though there will be days that I cry over losing her, I know that God hears my heart, He sees my tears. He keeps track of me and what I am doing, because He never leaves me. He is always there.
Psalms 56:8 “You number my wanderings;
Put my tears into Your bottle; Are they not in Your book?”
Hebrews 13:5“I will never leave you nor forsake you.”
While I may always have a piece of my heart in Heaven, joy WILL come in the morning.
Psalms 30:5 “Weeping may endure for a night,
But joy comes in the morning.”